I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
