Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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