My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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