I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
