I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
