Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
