I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Randomize
