when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
