We're like a lot better than the average bears
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
