Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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