every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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