You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Randomize
