There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Randomize
