God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
