I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Drunk is a universal language darling
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