just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
