saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
