Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
