watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
i've created a new STD.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
