cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
