i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
