If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
