Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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