I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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