we're chasing vodka with high fives
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Green mimosas i think yes
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
