I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
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