Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
