I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
