I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
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