While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
