Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
