she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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