I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
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