We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
