I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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