Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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