My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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