the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
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