Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
