the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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