you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
