My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
