My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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