im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
