I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
not ubering you a puppy
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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