i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize