i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize