he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
