Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
