Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
