i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Randomize
