Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Randomize
