Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
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