Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize