help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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