It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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