but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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