come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Randomize
