I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
We were destined to go to rehab together
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Randomize
