Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
