the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Last time i carry you out of a forest
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I am available for nakedness
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Randomize
