Jerry, you need to find god
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize