why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
