I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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