new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
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