What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
