Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
sex in a hospital.. check
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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